Contrary to what many probably think, life in LA hasn’t been completely easy and good.  Admittedly there were good, great moments.  But paired with those are struggles, confusions, and a series of bull crap. Having gone through so much mentally and emotionally has made me think that life in LA isn’t completely fun at all.  The bad negates the good. Maybe even exceeds it. It has made me think that in some aspects DC is better.  It was a life that revolved around school, apartment, malls and clubs.  It was a routine that I didn’t get bored or tired of.

In LA, my life revolves around school, apartment, malls occasionally, tea houses, and once in a blue moon, clubbing.  This should not be taken negatively but I guess the things that I do here aren’t really my cup of tea. They are enjoyable from time to time, but making them a routine takes away the fun in it.  It is an experience that clings ‘merely’ to social chit-chatting, void of any getting wasted and utter insanity.  It is an experience that thrives in languages strangers to my, many ears. It is an experience that is diverse… and partially divided.

It provides me with guilt to think that I want this phase of my life to be over.  I know it is going to be sad come the last day but at times I feel like I’m tired of things. That I just want to get this over with so I can move on. It provides me with guilt but I do feel those things.  More than anything, it is probably my being different from them that turns things this way for me. The differences in what I want to do, what makes me happy and what satisfies me are different from theirs.  Even up to this moment, I think about the great times I had in DC.  I’m thinking if after a year or so, I’d be thinking/feeling the same about my life in LA.   Ironically, this life in LA has a certain disconnect to the life I prefer to lead.

Having to worry about all these things makes me tired about thinking.  It makes me tired to learn and to understand and to listen.  It makes me tired to think about thinking. True, I am learning a lot particularly socially/emotionally and I do appreciate having a friend that is willing to have the role of an older brother to a younger one.  (As I speak a friend just broke the news that this friend is leaving today, 2 days earlier than his supposed departure).  However, I cannot always rely on him, especially in instances like this where he needs to leave and be gone for some time.  I’ve relied on him for a lot of things.  That and his being gone is precisely why I think I have to learn things the hard way.  It is sad he’ll be gone again and I need to get used to things again and adjust.  But each of us has to do what we have to do.  If I fail, I fail.  And I need to learn from it.  It might hurt, it might cost time and even money, but all I could do is try to be smart and avoid it.

(Now thinking: My friend and I are supposed to have a long talk about stuff.  Shoulda been yesterday or today but this girl that goes wherever he goes just displaced me from ‘my’ seat in his 2-seater car therefore preventing me from hanging out.  And now that he’s leaving tomorrow, seems like that long talk is never going to happen anymore. And no, MSN doesn’t work for me anymore. We end up misunderstanding each other and I end up getting pissed so I suggested not to talk on MSN anymore except blah stuff.)

Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99, If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked… You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

But if there was one thing I came to realize thinking about this, it is that this is all part of a phase many of us go through in life.  We meet people, we build relationships, we get used to them, we value them… and then in time, life shots us in the head.  Things have to end.  What we’ve spent so much of our time on all just seem to become a waste. Pointless, ruthless… plain f#$%ing beeyotch. 

Last night, I decided to do a slideshow of selected photos we took in the past while music I deemed fit for the moment played in the background.  Many of them I had to smile, remembering how crazy some of us had been at different times.  It didn’t make me sad as much as it made me think, these people are family and that when things come to an end, it’s going to suck. Then one of the sad songs played… and I saw photos of me and close friends and my best buddy. That’s when it became sad. Happy times, crazy moments. It is partly what I hate about having to build very tight relationships with people.  It gets hard to let go when the moment arrives.

As sad as it may be, I realized there’s no better way to deal with it than to just think of the good times and make the most of what’s left. Though there will no longer be more of it with the same people soon, life certainly always has something good, if not better to offer. It might be with a different set of people and friends, but the good ones and fun times you had before will always be there- remembered and cherished.  True, these people you might never see again and it is possible that strong bond formed might slowly losen up and fade as time goes, that sucks but you gotta let it be.  It’s up for you and the other person to keep in mind the good times.  It’s gonna be tough at first- with all the goodbyes and crap, but in the end, it’s all good.

Hmm… my blog’s starting to turn into some sort of a video blog…

It is rather difficult to say that it’s okay, that everything will be alright, because the fact is, we don’t know if things will actually be alright. We don’t know if things will get better. We are easily defeated by the realities of life. What we once thought were easy, were in fact potentially the most difficult thing we have to deal with as concerned friends. It is most difficult is when you’re already stuck in a moment, in that situation where you no longer have things to say, not simply because talking might make things worse but also because nothing else is left to be said. What we once thought to be comforting- being there, talking and staying positive, just doesn’t work anymore. We all face the reality that no matter what is said, most of the time, it is not enough to make things even a bit better. We just have to face the fact that pain, suffering, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, and maybe even desperation are all part of it.

True, words of comfort might have the potential effect of taking away even a small part of the grief, but they just don’t perform the miracles we need. They don’t make the ill well. They only remind us that there is a chance of living and seeing more of life. That this is survivable. That there is hope and that we just all have to believe in our own purpose, why we’re here and who we’re her for. It is tough enough to battle with the sickness but perhaps it is more difficult to battle with the fact that there are people whom we live for- that they need us, love us, believe in us. And we feel the same about them. But life is tough. We don’t always get what we want. Life doesn’t always treat us with the good stuff. Yet it doesn’t hurt to continue hoping and believing, if right now it is the only cure we have to both the pain the illness is causing us and the suffering the people around us are going through.

Only God knows what’s best… and even that is hard to say. Because sometimes that ‘best’ is the worst that could happen.

This goes out to my buddy who’s going through very tough times at the moment. May God bless him, his family and most especially his dad. My prayers go out to you all.

Since I can’t think of anything to write about just yet, enjoy this for now.

This is plain ridiculous and humiliaating. I guess one reason why this pageant never really got my respect…