Learning is a dichotomy. Sometimes it is enjoyable, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it is simple; sometimes, complex. For some, learning comes easily; for many, they have to learn things the hard way. I feel like I get both, but more so on the latter. And it sucks that it is so. I admit I still have so much more to learn but I guess I’ve already been getting so many things easily that fate decided this is the part that I have to ‘get’ the hard way.
Contrary to what many probably think, life in LA hasn’t been completely easy and good. Admittedly there were good, great moments. But paired with those are struggles, confusions, and a series of bull crap. Having gone through so much mentally and emotionally has made me think that life in LA isn’t completely fun at all. The bad negates the good. Maybe even exceeds it. It has made me think that in some aspects DC is better. It was a life that revolved around school, apartment, malls and clubs. It was a routine that I didn’t get bored or tired of.
In LA, my life revolves around school, apartment, malls occasionally, tea houses, and once in a blue moon, clubbing. This should not be taken negatively but I guess the things that I do here aren’t really my cup of tea. They are enjoyable from time to time, but making them a routine takes away the fun in it. It is an experience that clings ‘merely’ to social chit-chatting, void of any getting wasted and utter insanity. It is an experience that thrives in languages strangers to my, many ears. It is an experience that is diverse… and partially divided.
It provides me with guilt to think that I want this phase of my life to be over. I know it is going to be sad come the last day but at times I feel like I’m tired of things. That I just want to get this over with so I can move on. It provides me with guilt but I do feel those things. More than anything, it is probably my being different from them that turns things this way for me. The differences in what I want to do, what makes me happy and what satisfies me are different from theirs. Even up to this moment, I think about the great times I had in DC. I’m thinking if after a year or so, I’d be thinking/feeling the same about my life in LA. Ironically, this life in LA has a certain disconnect to the life I prefer to lead.
Having to worry about all these things makes me tired about thinking. It makes me tired to learn and to understand and to listen. It makes me tired to think about thinking. True, I am learning a lot particularly socially/emotionally and I do appreciate having a friend that is willing to have the role of an older brother to a younger one. (As I speak a friend just broke the news that this friend is leaving today, 2 days earlier than his supposed departure). However, I cannot always rely on him, especially in instances like this where he needs to leave and be gone for some time. I’ve relied on him for a lot of things. That and his being gone is precisely why I think I have to learn things the hard way. It is sad he’ll be gone again and I need to get used to things again and adjust. But each of us has to do what we have to do. If I fail, I fail. And I need to learn from it. It might hurt, it might cost time and even money, but all I could do is try to be smart and avoid it.
(Now thinking: My friend and I are supposed to have a long talk about stuff. Shoulda been yesterday or today but this girl that goes wherever he goes just displaced me from ‘my’ seat in his 2-seater car therefore preventing me from hanging out. And now that he’s leaving tomorrow, seems like that long talk is never going to happen anymore. And no, MSN doesn’t work for me anymore. We end up misunderstanding each other and I end up getting pissed so I suggested not to talk on MSN anymore except blah stuff.)
